If you're thinking I'm gonna write about the clinical knowledge or other job skills that I learned since I started my PRP, you're wrong. Yes, I did learned a lot about that but I'm not that enthusiastic enough to write about that haha.

I think I learned about myself more than ever. Can I say I learned the cold hard truth that maybe some people would be ashamed to admit? Which is I'm actually very slow. As in my brain works very slow. Whatever I do is slow. My meal times can stretch up to 30 minutes if I don't rush myself. I'm the last one who finish the food most of the time. I can dwell on a particular topic / concept / decision for a very long time, even those trivial stuffs. Sometimes I take time to process what other people said. I don't know why. I guess I'm just slow. Before this I thought I learned new things quite fast but now I doubt it. Actually I don't mind to be slow but in this fast-paced world, I'm on the losing side. And I feel like a failure about that sometimes. I guess I'm lazy / laid back but also competitive at times. Lol very contradicting I know... So when I'm lazy I'll just tell myself don't care about what other people think, and when I'm competitive I feel like I'm useless.

I always think myself as someone who's selfish. I don't think I genuinely care about anyone my whole life (family and close friends excluded of course). Okay perhaps I had I just didn't know haha (I don't think I'm that bad, still lol). So I always think that this profession that I chose really doesn't suit me. It's a profession that gives. And I'm someone who doesn't believe in giving. I'm someone who receive a lot more than I give. I'm not good at giving. Maybe I'm just shy. I don't know.

But when I'm working at outpatient department, when I'm dispensing medicines to patients, I prefer to explain slowly and with details to patients rather than just dispense for the sake of dispensing. I want the patient to truly understand about the medicines. That's why I don't like the practice in this hospital (or maybe other hospitals as well). They have to keep an eye on the waiting time. One patient cannot wait more than 30 minutes for their meds. So when I talk slowly I'm told that I'm too slow. Okay when comes to this maybe some people will say in this case I care for the patient but I think I just want to do something meaningful instead of doing something for the sake of doing it only. I guess I'll feel happy when I'm doing something that make myself useful.

So far I have not enter ward rotation yet. I'm afraid that I cannot handle the stress but also anticipate it because I can find out whether I will enjoy it or not since it's totally different from what I've been doing now.

I'm also very easily tired and have low discipline and perseverance. Sometimes I'm so motivated to study but sometimes I'm so lazy. Sometimes I have the mood to study but I feel so damn sleepy and sometimes the other way around.

And also one thing... I'm really really introverted. I suspect I'm near the end of the introvert side on the scale. I'll automatically keep quiet in a group. If I want to talk I will hesitate. Can totally become mute in a group of acquaintances. I just don't know what to talk man.. I don't want to small talk either. If I'm with family or close friends, I will hesitate less when I talk (still hesitate nevertheless lol). Sometimes I prefer to keep quiet also depending on mood. In this world that favours extroverts, my introversion is not doing me any good.

Alright... work aside... I wanna talk about my CNY this year although its very overdue lol. Although its not very happening but its a quite simple and heartwarming for me. Since I started working in hospital I treasure every moment with my family. So during CNY I hardly study although I have validation during that time.

There's a certain event that I still keep thinking of it until now. It's on a Friday night where my family waited me to come back from KKB after work, then we went to my cousin's house in Setia Eco Park for open house. After dinner, my parents went to socialise and me and my sisters brought my dog for a stroll at the housing area. The weather was nice, and it was really quiet. And the houses there were pleasure for the eyes. I enjoyed the walk very very much! I imagined living in that place. It's so perfect for introverts like me! So quiet and peaceful! And less visitors because it's so troublesome to go through the guardhouse haha. I think my dog enjoyed it the most! We literally walked for 30 minutes at least! Awwwwww I miss the time so muchhhhhh! Whenever I feel down I just try to remember that feeling during the walk. And I feel so blessed to be able to enjoy the peaceful stroll.

Ok yeah my point is... I can enjoy something so simple this much! I think I just enjoy anywhere quiet with no humans except people that I'm close to. I hope I can have many more returns of this kinda day.