This is a backdated entry.



23 April 2014

After several months of deterioration, my grandfather (paternal) finally passed away (pardon my bad English haha). My other grandparents all died of cancers, but not my grandfather. He died of old age which many people think it is the best way to leave the world. Not really.

Honestly speaking, cancer might be better.Well, maybe just from my perspective. Take my grandpa for example, as the days approached the day he died, his body systems started failing gradually. Most common was of course he couldn't control his bladder anymore. His appetite became small. Whatever he had eaten seemed unable to be absorbed and he got thinner and thinner until the bones were visible. However, he still asked for mutton curry. It was his favourite food, they said.

His muscles became weaker and weaker till the point that he was bedridden. Even turning his body to the other side on the bed also need two people to help him. He didn't like to watch TV so the only thing he could do was just watching the ceiling. Haiz. I cannot imagine how sien and lifeless he was in those days. Luckily my mum will go talk to him when she'd got free time. Honestly I think my mum was the person who chatted the most with him. Even his sons (including my dad) and daughters also didn't talk to him that much. I understand why. Coz we didn't know what to talk to him (my uncle said so himself). My mum memang pro in chatting, the gene runs in her family lol (why didn't I get it? :/). Not to mention, grandpa didn't have energy to speak also. And just the week before grandpa died, I remember hearing my mum said grandpa's skin was so thin that it was easily torn and bleed.

Although having cancer might be more painful than this, but it might also ends faster. Like my grandpa, his condition dragged on for months and he didn't know when he will die. I think that knowing you're going to die soon but not knowing the exact day, and the only thing you can do is counting days, is scary.

I didn't see anyone cried or any sort of act of sadness. I guess we all think it was a relief for him. He was a very healthy 84 + year-old man with hardly any disease (my dad inherited the diseases from my grandma I supposed wtf).

He died around 6 AM in the morning. I woke up around 10 AM as usual, oblivious of what had happened (though I felt slightly weird that nobody was at home and I heard my mum's voice from the next door), ate my breakfast leisurely while reading newspaper. After I finished my breakfast then only I noticed a memo left by my mum on the table.

So I went over to see my grandpa after shower. He was even thinner than I last saw him! Looked like a skeleton coz he was also tall (my dad inherited the short genes from my grandma too...). My aunt (dad's youngest sis) was in the room 念经-ing. And guess what?  My mum told me to 念经also -.- Nothing complicated, just keep repeating "amitabha" along with the song coming from the little speaker thingy that I'm familiar with. Initially I felt really ridiculous... Coz I think it's pointless to do such things after someone died because once he's dead, there's just corspe left. But then after that I rather sat  in the room for 2 hours because I didn't know what to do anyway -.- I also stopped repeating amitabha because felt sien liao. So I just daydreamed / listened to relatives' conversations going on outside of the room.


The funeral was different from the previous ones I had attended. Now everyone wears white shirts and trousers. Last time, only the sons and daughters of the deceased wear all-white while grandchildren wear all-blue. Now, grandchildren will pin a patch of blue cloth at the left sleeve. According to the erm... funeral guy, it looks nicer this way lol. Everything needs to improve with time huh.

My aunt is a Buddhist, not a Daoist. Therefore, my grandpa's funeral followed the Buddhist rules. We invited monks and nun instead of Daoist priests. No roasted pig for guests because Buddhists are vegetarian. Every night we gotta 念经 for at least 1 hour non-stop (luckily the funeral only lasted 3 days 2 nights). YES. WE had to 念经!

When I was 念经-ing, I kept thinking that my friends were studying for exam while I had to study 地藏菩萨本愿经. They lent us the books and we tried to keep up with the monks / nun. OMG... At some point they read very fast until we cannot follow. I was impressed with the monks especially the nun coz they were able to read out all the words without mistakes.

Actually I was quite fascinated with all the Chinese traditions. I kept wondering whether these traditions will be forgotten one day... Such a pity... Young generation like me, doesn't know how to carry out these traditions. I don't even understand the Chinese calendar. Does anyone younger than 30 even know how does a  Chinese calendar work?

And then while we were 念经-ing, my dog kept barking from my house. Although I couldn't see her, I knew that she was barking at us. I think she knew we were at the next door and when she heard so many people 念经, she became scared or something. At that moment, I really wanted to go back home and calm my dog. But instead I could just ignore her barking. Pity her... She is a very persistent dog, will bark for 30 mins or even longer until people acknowledge her. I think she was quite scared during those days, even when the people set up the canopies also she didn't dare to go outside. She just sat near the stairs and kept staring at outside -.- My dog is very timid indeed. Even more pitiful is she kena squished by the autogate when my parents were rushing to next door. My dad was in a rush going to next door to pray, while my dog saw my mum waiting outside and nobody telling her "NO"... So she tried to run out when the gate was almost closed! A squeal of pain was heard! She was still crying after my mum picked her up. She even peed again out of fear I supposed... Luckily nothing serious happened! WTH! Then my dad kena scolded by my mum because he was the one closing the door haha.
My grandpa really knew how to choose a good timing to die (this my uncle said one which I agreed). My dad just came back from China, my uncle's family nearly gone to Taiwan for vacation (they postponed a day and bought air tickets and gone Taiwan straight after the funeral), and I was back at home for study week!!! So, all family members were at the funeral except one cousin who was at UTAR Kampar.



25 April 2014

The guests who came for the funeral on the last day were less than those came during my another grandfather's (maternal) funeral. Probably because my grandpa didn't have many friends or relatives. Felt a bit 凄凉… I didn't feel sad at all when I found out he died or during the funeral. However on the last day, when we were giving last respect (don't know what is it called), suddenly I just felt like crying but I managed to hold my tears back. It started when the sound of the nails being driven into the coffin. Maybe it means that I will never see my grandpa again subconsciously. Or the funeral music sounded sad.

I saw some people's eyes were wet also but not sure whether it's because they cried or the smoke from joss sticks irritated their eyes. If not, I don't think I've seen anyone cry in the funeral. Is it real that nobody feel sad that he died?




Well, I think that's all I remember. Was so busy until no time to blog and when I do have time I already don't have the same feeling to blog. This post I typed using my phone whenever I'm waiting for time to pass (when I was in the car or in the pharmacy lol). That means it was typed on different days lol.