There's this game friend who keeps asking me for something that I don't really wanna lend him. He has my number so it's quite impossible to totally avoid him without switching off my phone. Fortunately though I think he will never call me so I chose to ignore his text. So, he texted me twice. Probably thought that I didn't receive the message. :/ Well, I felt a bit guilty for ignoring him but it's definitely better than lying to him that I lent the thing to another friend, right? Or better than lending the thing to him. But actually it's not really a big deal if I lend the thing to him. I just don't like to lend important things to people (selfish me) especially when  the someone always finds me only when he needs something from me! Not to mention that he still owes me a great amount of money (in-game)! I only lent him the money because I trusted him. He also said that he will pay back when he got the money but it's like FOREVER AND EVER he won't have the money! FUCK. Not that I need that money because I'm not playing that game so far. Argh, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of! 

OK LA I'm stingy I admit!! Even if I don't need the money I still want to get back the money! Even if I don't play the game I still don't want to lend him the thing! I'm as selfish as that! 

Nah I don't really want the money anymore but I've accumulated more and more dislike for him. If you borrow money from people, of course you should try your best to save money so that you can return it, right? But this fella, he keeps saying no money while he keeps upgrading his equipment. WTF apparently he takes me as granted! He thinks I'm very rich loh! Always says I can sell my "pearls" and I'll be rich! WTF I'm rich so what?! Rich then can take advantage of me ah?! That is still my money and I can do whatever I want with it! How STUPID I was to voluntarily lend him the money! [Words in maroon came out from my evil self]

Things will be made easier if I just stop thinking about it! But I just can't! Is this morally correct? Ignoring him? Will he just stop trying after the second message? What if he doesn't? What if he calls? What if he fb message me? I was thinking to pretend that I've gone to overseas for a vacation (therefore I didn't see the text msg) But WTF I can't be in overseas FOREVER right?! Maybe I can lie that my phone's broken =.= SWT! But that means I'm lying already! And I don't like people lying to me! How could I become the type of person that I dislike?! Then how???????

I'm stuck. I made it like it is a very big problem but actually it isn't LOL. I'm always like this one la. I'm always careful of what I think of other people. Because I don't want to think wrongly of other people, which I also don't want that to happen on myself. So I think the cause of this dilemma probably is I'm not sure whether this guy truly treats me as a friend or he is just using me. I wish I could read people's minds =.=

What should I do with him?! I think I'll just keep ignoring him even in fb. I'll vanish from his world! I don't care if he doesn't talk to me anymore as it's already been like that for ages. I don't care if I don't get my money or my outfit back.

It might be a small problem but I somehow think that the decision I make represents my character! So I always overthink stuff. Even if it's just a minor one. It sucks! Do I care too much about what other people think of me? :(

Wow, I thought I wouldn't have much to blog about this but... See! I've written quite long LOL

I think blogging can really help me to understand myself more lol. 

************

I've wanted to change hairstyle for ages! I think the day is finally coming! Next, next weekend~! Yeah, I guess most of the time when you don't have courage to do something, you can always find friends to do with you! So I'll be doing it with a friend! But I'm a bit worried that the outcome will not meet my expectation. I'm  also in a small dilemma of what kind of curls I should get but I think I've made a decision lol (might change later.)

*************

My grandpa is dying. Not of diseases. No pain. But he looks weak and vulnerable. Skinny until can see his bones. Bruises all over his limbs. He can do nothing but lying on the bed 24/7. Sometimes he can sit on a chair for a maximum of 2 hours. He doesn't eat solid food anymore. He relies solely on milk and yet never feel hungry. He is slowly heading towards death. I believe this is what they called "die of old age" ?

If you wonder, how come I can still worry about my hairstyle when my grandpa is dying? Well, I'm not devastated because I've never been close to him. Not even when I was small, at least that's what I remember. Maybe because he and I are both people of few words.

I feel nothing. Except when I went to visit him with my mom. I was shocked when I saw his condition. He is so much different from the time when I saw him during CNY. I feel sad seeing him like this. Although I'm a pharmacy student, I realised that I don't know anything about drugs for aging. I feel helpless and useless. I don't know what can I do to help. I've read articles about old folks in the newspapers before, saying that we should talk to them more and try to make the last moments of their lives as happy as possible. I know and I seriously hope I can do that! But I can't. I can't even chat with acquaintances. Once my mom told my sisters and I to go into grandpa's room first and she'll come later. We ended up in awkward moments. I swear I tried very hard! I even spoke in Hokkien which was very rare for me! My sister still replied him in Mandarin BTW =.=  HAHA and I think my grandpa also noticed that we don't have anything to talk about, so he told us to go chat with other relatives. We still insisted on staying in his room though lol and it was so AWKWARD. Because the only purpose of our visit was to see him what! I think we had made him feel awkward also lol.

Since my grandpa hardly has any energy at all, he can only lie on his bed 24/7. I think it must be very torturing for him. No entertainment at all. So this leads me into thinking: would I rather die or stay immobile? I can't decide, really. If I die, I can't see this beautiful world anymore. Can't see the faces of my beloveds. Don't know what will happen after I die (This is what makes us fear of death).

How long he can hang in there? It's kinda pointless to live when you can't do anything. I don't know how grandpa thinks. I hope I know. Then again I wish I'm a mind reader.

My dad must be having a dilemma also. To let grandpa keep trying health products? Or just let him die peacefully? Apparently, my dad haven't give up. However, my mom  thinks that my dad still doesn't accept the fact that grandpa is dying and there's nothing we can do to stop that. I don't know which side I'm in. I hate having to choose sometimes. I'll probably go with the flow if one day I have to make this kind of decision. Believe my heart.

HA. That's it for this time.